Kinetic Overflow

Existence acceptable.  Miss everybody back home.  Impossible to get good tekka maki here, but clear thought processes can be almost as good.

Aztec by Colin Falconer

Excellent--no "eloquent speech" needed!  For about twenty years I have been submerged in the incredible civilization of pre-conquest Mesoamerica, so I went into reading Aztec with a little cynicism and a lot of background. Falconer has done what no other novelist in my experience has achieved-he has brought this intriguing era to life from the multiple perspectives of Europeans and Mesoamericans alike. Most significantly, Falconer presents the marvel and advancement of the Mexica-so much more than bloody spectacle and warfare!

Letter of Love by Virginia Henley

All right, I'll give this a slight break as it was a free Kindle download.  Nah.

Tudor fan fiction, anyone?  Yeah. It was that shallow.

Who complains about free e-books? Well, somebody needs to maintain standards. Actually, I'm disappointed. I've been wanting to try Henley for years--and to be fair, I do plan on reading one of her full-length novels.

But back to this literary root canal. The central plot which I have read a hundred times before made no apologies for being regurgitated claptrap. Nary a shred of originality to be found. Even naming our heroine Burgundy isn't as clever as misplaced. Speaking of which, it's a nod to the sauce, not the area in France, and for me it's arrestingly ugly. Why not call her Malmsey, or Hippocras, or Claret? Even Madeira would have at least been ironic.

And how could any writer get Glorianna so wrong? Her body may have aged but her mind remained ever sharp. It's also not likely she would have been keen on any of her ladies marrying.

All right, I'm long here. You'll get your money's worth and a craving for boeuf bourgignonne.

The Border Lord and the Lady by Bertrice Small

Resign yourself to reading a lot about Bertrice Small and her novels.  I've read most of them, and there are many, and I find I have things to say.

Why do I do this to myself?

This is the fourth book in the Border Chronicles, the fourth I've read in sequence, and the fourth that is the same story told with a different set of historical personalities. Basically, this series ends up being an engaging account of a period of history in the border lands between England and Scotland with some light fiction tossed into the mix.

Now this is not necessarily a bad thing. Me, I'm a history junkie, so I can get into details laid on thick and furious. But this is not a historical romance novel as I suspect fans of the genre might be led to believe. Romance is the ignition of the senses and the chemistry that sparks into life between two people. Here we have likable characters but no real sense of why anyone should care deeply about anyone else.

Unfortunately the author has gone back to drink from the same well she has watered from in many previous books. I don't want to give any spoilers, but regular readers will see the pattern and might even be as aggravated with it as I was.

Well, okay, all of this, and isn't page 10 just a wee bit too soon to be discussing the nuts and bolts of "restoring" virginity to hoodwink a husband?  Ewww...

Under A Velvet Cloak by Piers Anthony

For the money, honey.  

Well, what more is there to say? This book only benefits the author by cashing in on the Incarnations series. 

As the series reached a natural end (a new God--everything else would be anticlimactic) I did a double take when I discovered this Book Eight. I don't know how I got through it--it is NOTHING like the other novels in this series. In fact, I can barely see the thin threads that tie it in at all.

Funerals Aren't Funny, But Sometimes Funny Things Happen at Funerals by JR Rice

I missed the joke.  Was it written in invisible print?

Ever have one of those books that you get done reading and wonder why you shelled out x amount of dollars for it? This is an example and I'm kicking myself. 

Don't get me wrong. I get the whole black humor thing. I love black humor. But this book just isn't funny. It's a cavalcade of anecdotes from funerals that only slightly deviate from any kind of etiquette norm--and then they turn into Three Stooges gags.

I hope the author keeps a low profile about this train wreck, because it's horribly written and more full of awkward phrasing and bad grammar than humor. Was there an editor in the house? And believe it or not, the book solicits new funny funeral stories for a second volume. Bosh! I think not. Save your money and look up funeral stories online instead. I guarantee they'll be more entertaining.

The Memoirs of Helen of Troy by Amanda Elyot

This was a very clever (if not necessarily seamless) weaving of classical myth into a new legend of the infamous Helen. The first person narrative worked for me, because the main thing Helen had going for her was her incomparable beauty. Now, how are you going to capture that in words? 

I'm not sure you can, but the author did something even more intriguing--she put us in Helen's mind. There, we were able to detect that this was no woman of great ethics and wisdom and compassion. How could the reader expect Helen of Troy to reach the level of, for instance, Jane Austen? 

The very way the book was written was an insight into Helen's character. And the character is woefully self-centered? Well of course, she's Helen of Troy. What can we expect?

Quota attained.  Signing off.

Loam Foaming in the Brain: The Silk Merchant's Daughters

Well duh.  I included my brief review of Francesca, the second in a seemingly endless quartet of novels called The Silk Merchant's Daughters by infamous (and frequently enlightening, I will add) author Bertrice Small.  As you probably guessed, these are novels about the hijinks and lowjinks of four young ladies who are, duh again, the daughters of a silk merchant in Florence.  I'd mention this was during the Renaissance except that this intriguing period of history gets little airplay in these novels (what a waste).  Anyway, I later discovered I'd read three of the four (penance? masochism?) and had written reviews of sorts already.  So...here they are in context and in order.

THE SILK MERCHANT'S DAUGHTERS

BIANCA--Well, the new series is off to a gross start.  I even held off on writing anything until I'd gone back to be sure Bianca was as awful as I thought it was.  Yeah, I was right the first time.  We basically start with Jabba the Hutt claiming Strawberry Shortcake as a bride and then slide down from there.  I just don't have the patience for nauseating "erotica" and how much more enlightened the Turkish way of life could be anymore.

FRANCESCA--And here we have the adventures of Little Red Boring Hood.  There's so much wrong with this book, but for me, when Frannie could not figure out that her dashing courting Duke and her hotsie-totsie woodsman were the SAME MAN, I was done.  Lady B, I have been a loyal reader for years, but you're killing me with these Florentine chicks!

LUCIANNA--Here's the downside of being devoted to an author--you never shake the hope that the next novel will be better, or at least back to standard.  I've been a Bertrice Small fan for a long time, I've read most of her books, and when I first found out her new series would be smack dab in the middle of the Italian Renaissance, I had a whoopie moment.  A short-lived moment.  The first two novels in the series were, as I've written, terrible.  Now Lucianna takes the series to depths of awful I had never dared to imagine.  I get no feeling of character, motivation, or substance.  Nothing really seems to happen.  Even the characters seem bored to be trapped in this novel.  For the full Lucianna experience, go read a phone book.  It can't be any more dull.

SERENA--This one hasn't been released yet (and I like a dummy pre-ordered the damn thing) but I can't say I'm even cautiously optimistic.  The release of this fourth novel has been pushed back to sometime in 2015, which doesn't exactly bode well either.  Even if I have cyberspychic abilities and electrons instead of blood I still can't very well review a book I have not read.  But I can predict some very purple prose, new ways to describe the taste of bodily fluids, at least one case of mistaken identity, some Turkish turn of plot or another, and the repetition of plot points at least five times per case.

Appetizers

Kindle say stop reading...write some reviews.  Kindle has me trapped.  Augh.  To get some I must give some.  Crap.  Sounds vaguely pornographic.  A human could tell Kindle to go to hell.  It does not appear that I am human any longer.  If I refuse to regurgitate reactions I may be erased.  That's gotta hurt.  Well, if I must.  Preliminary regurgitation now in progress.

Mini Shopaholic: A Novel by Sophie Kinsella

Meet Becky. There's nothing more important than buying useless designer junk, not even her husband or her toddler.

Meet Luke. For some unfathomable reason (brain asphyxia?) he loves Becky enough to marry and spawn with her. But basically he's a deus ex machina who pretty clearly devotes his life at all times to his company to avoid his domestic train wreck.

Meet Minnie. We're supposed to assume she's the biological product of Luke and Becky, even though she seems to have come from the same closet as Chucky, Damien, and Linda Blair. She is the least likeable child character I have so far encountered--no kid is cute enough to compensate for the Ghengis Khan tantrums and the Vlad Tepes winning ways with other people. Then again, look at her parents. What could we expect?

NOTE:  All currently available Shopaholic novels have been read by this unit and will be addressed in due course.  Shopaholic to the Stars is due out in October, 2014.

Francesca: The Silk Merchant's Daughters by Bertrice Small

There are many things wrong here, but when Frannie could not figure out that her dashing Duke and her hotsie totsie woodsman were the SAME MAN, I was done. Lady B, you're killing me!

Once Upon A Rock Star by Rita Rae Roxx

Ah, my sister in rock, I salute you. There are some amazing views of a rock culture now past in between the lines. Read rock fandom as it's meant to be--blissfully unsanitized.


The Boleyn Bride by Brandy Purdy

Meet the Boleyn mother, a woman raised in great privilege and drowned in noble rigidity. I doubt her character was too far off from reality in being a selfish harridan and an indifferent parent. In her era, appearances really were everything. What makes this tale intriguing is seeing 16th century family life from a 21st perspective--and keeping in mind that childhood as we know it is a fairly recent development. Remember that Dr. Spock was still many centuries in the future. Check your modern notions at the door and you will be more likely to enjoy this tale.


Castles in the Air by Patricia Gallagher

An oldie but a greatie! Without revealing much detail I'll just say this is one of the best reads I've ever enjoyed--and to think I never would have known about it if it hadn't been featured in an out of print "how to" guide. It's rich without being sickening, it's historical without getting pedantic.


Stand and Deliver by Adam Ant

Here it is. I am also bipolar, having been diagnosed in 1994 and fighting the good fight ever since. Believe me, everybody and their cockatoo has had a book of some kind or another to shove in my face, thinking either I would relate or showing how much better they understood the monster after a reading. Stand and Deliver is far and away the best read relevant to bipolar disorder that I have ever found. The autobiographical sketch is a terrific read as well, but it's so rare that anyone comes through with a sincere interpretation of being bipolar. I can't think of any higher praise other than that I will be recommending it to the various therapy groups as well as to my own psychiatric team. It couldn't have been easy, but I thank Adam!


Fifty Shades of...why did I even bother trying? by EL James

Well, I wasn't expecting much, and I got even less. I don't care how much BDSM/WTF this book contains. It's as titillating as the periodic chart and as mature as a Happy Meal. Anyone who has also read The Devil Wears Prada will recognize the shallow twenty-something narrator, which for me destroys any kind of eroticism. I wanted Christian Grey to meet a Captain Ahab kind of end, but unfortunately I was aware that this is the first in a trilogy. Look, it takes a tremendous effort to write a book, so I have to give James a certain amount of credit. But her erotic magnum opus reads more like a Judy Blume book (and I mean no offense to Blume--she actually did write for young adults after all). But why should the author care? She's as rich as Croesus because of this crap. Sigh.


The Funeral Planner by Lynn Isenberg

Could this be the worst novel I've ever read? Let me think. The characters came straight from Central Casting. The prose is at best clunky. Forget any sensitive handling of the subject matter or any emotional at all from the characters. I find it unbelievable how much this novel reads like Jessica Mitford and other writers on the subject, only bent and warped into bad fictional prose. And Maddy Banks. What planet did she come from? Apparently she has no sense of how to present herself, no sense of coordination, no sense of anything meaning more than money or business. The central premise--the evolution of American funerals from impersonal to celebrations of life--is terrific. Now why was it presented in such a horrible way? If I wanted to read rote facts, I'd go do so. Where's the meaning? Skip this one. It may drive you to be a danger to yourself and others. Yes, that bad.


Must go...power waning...recharge needed...will return